The Hatfield Family Blog: infertility

Most of you have seen this also. I wrote it a few weeks back about everything tht has happened recently.

On January 2nd my heart was shattered into a million pieces. Daniel and I went in for our routine 12 week prenatal appt. My appt. was at 8:45 and we got in right on time. My blood pressure was taken and I was weighed and then I was asked to lay down so that we could listen for the baby’s heartbeat. She couldn’t find it. She said that this was common at 12 weeks and that the baby was probably just positioned weird so they sent us for an ultrasound. Daniel and I of course were very nervous. We went in and I laid down and as soon as she put the wand on me I could tell something was wrong. That moment is forever burned in my mind. She says “How far along are you supposed to be?” I said “12 weeks why what is it measuring?” She said “8 weeks and there is no heartbeat”. I cannot even begin to describe to you what hearing those words felt like. I completely lost it and broke down. Begging, pleading that she was wrong. Daniel was trying to be strong for me but he just couldn’t take it either so we sat there sobbing hysterically for what seemed like hours. How could this have happened? We just did not understand. We were then taken to see the doctor. I could hardly walk. He proceeded to tell us that it was nothing that we did or could have done and that first trimester miscarriages are unpreventable and no one’s fault. He said a bunch of other stuff but I didn’t hear much else. I have had a lot of heartache in my life but never have I felt so broken. I ended up having to have a D&C to remove my precious baby that afternoon. That ordeal is a blur filled with many many tears. Now I know that miscarriages are very common and many many people have suffered one or even more but I feel like to understand what Daniel and I are going through we need to tell our whole story. Not many people know what we have been through. Only a hand full of people and I would have liked to have kept it that way but at this point Daniel and I need all the support that we can get as we try to put our shattered hearts back together.In August of 2006 Daniel and I decided that we wanted to start a family. We knew that we would probably need help accomplishing this due to my having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which mainly means that I do not ovulate monthly if at all on my own. Well we were told that we needed to try for a year on our own before medical action could be taken because that is the average time it takes a couple to conceive. The only help we were given is that I was put on a medication called Metformin which is technically a diabetes medicine. I do not have diabetes but a side effect of PCOS is Insulin Resistance. Many times Metformin can help jump start ovulation. Well that year came and went with no luck. At this time Daniel and I were the only ones who knew we were trying. We decided to tell my mom and my best friend Carol Leah before we went back to the doctor but they were not to tell a soul. In July 2007 I went back to my OBGYN who decided it was time to try Clomid. This is a fertility pill that is used to induce ovulation. The first month I tried Clomid 50mg with no ovulation, the second month 50mg again with no ovulation, the third month with 100mg with no ovulation and so on until I had tried the highest dose of 150mg for two months. I never ovulated. Now let me explain a little about Clomid and its effects. It made me very moody, tired, I had hot flashes, weight gain, and became very emotional on top of already being emotional from being let down month after month. Daniel called this the Devil pill. By this time Daniel and I were so overwhelmed from everything that we were going through and all the money being spent. I forgot to mention that our insurance does not cover infertility. Although Clomid is the least expensive form of fertility treatment it is still very expensive. We had already sold our truck and I ended up getting a job which I later had to quit due having to go back and forth to the doctor and the fact that it was a horrible job that I just could not handle with all the mental stress I was already going through. Well at my next Dr. visit I was referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist whose office is in Mobile. We were told that he comes to Our Doctor’s office in Montgomery once a month to see patients and that we would probably never have to go to Mobile. Boy was that a lie. Our first visit was in Montgomery and we were very nervous. During that first visit which was in February of 2008 I was set up for surgery. At this time we had to tell my Dad and Grandparents what had been going on. I also told my friend Melissa because she had been through similar situations. These are the only people who knew the entire time. In March I had a laparoscope, hysteroscopy, and HSG test all to check to make sure my ovaries, fallopian tubes, and uterus were in good working condition. With the exception of cysts on my ovaries (which we knew) everything looked great. My next appt. was in Mobile. We had a consultation with our new doctor to discuss the approach we were going to take. Over the past 3 months I had lost about 20lbs after reading that this sometimes helps PCOS patients. Well our Dr. Felt like this was enough weight loss to make a difference with the Clomid so he wanted to try again with lots of monitoring. This meant taking the devil pill again but this time I would have to make weekly trips to Montgomery to have ultrasounds and blood work. After 3 more cycles and 40lbs total weight loss the Dr. determined that I was Clomid resistant and that if the weight were the problem the weight loss would have made it work. Our next step would be Injections. Daniel and I decided to take a break for a few months to save money since this would cost us anywhere from $2000 to $3000 a cycle. We decided that we were not going to be able to afford this on our own so we asked my grandparents to help us out and they were glad to. After having our emotions get the best of us we decided that we couldn’t wait any longer. And surprisingly we didn’t have too. Previously I had needed to take medicine in order to start my cycles but I started a cycle on my own for the first time since I was about 17. I immediately called my doctor to set up a baseline ultrasound and blood work so that we could start our first cycle of injections. Since this fell on a Saturday and the Montgomery office isn’t open on Saturdays we had to be in Mobile Saturday morning at 8:30 just to get an ultrasound and blood work which took all of about 10 min. So we drove 3 hours for a 10min. visit and then 3 hours back. This time we thought things were finally going to go right for us. We were all nervous because we had not even taken our injections class yet and the nurse was going to have to walk us through it on the phone. We were also excited because we were told that injections always make you ovulate. We thought for sure that things were finally going right for us. Well we got a phone call from the doctor saying that my estradiol levels were too high which meant that I had some cysts on my ovaries that were too large and that I would need to go on birth control for a month to dissolve them. Now when you have been trying to conceive for over a year you are completely devastated when you are told that you would have to take something that PREVENTS pregnancy. And as many days and nights before, I cried and cried the whole month. Daniel is a wonderful husband and tried to be encouraging the entire time and he was always there for me no matter what. He was going through this too and I knew he was having a difficult time but he never really let on because he said I was the one going through all the physical ups and downs and that he just wanted to be there for me. So during this month we had to go back to Mobile in order to take an injections class. Daniel had to learn how to give me an injection in my stomach and we had to learn what to look for to know if I was hyper stimulating. This part was a little scary because hyper stimulating is a very real condition where your ovaries produce too many follicles (the sacs that hold the eggs until they mature) and you could need to be hospitalized and have to take about an 8 month break to recover. Daniel was also tested at this time and he was completely healthy and fine. I do want to mention that since the time we started trying to conceive that so many of our friends and family have conceived. That has been really difficult. While we were ecstatic for them and would never ever want them to go through any of this we also grieved for ourselves. It was really hard to go to baby showers and hospitals. Both of my sisters in laws got pregnant, one with twins, during this time and so of course we got the usual “when are ya’ll going to have one?” “It’s ya’ll’s turn” kind of things which were very painful and hurtful to hear even though the people saying it had no idea what we were going through. So the next Cycle started and I was able to go to Montgomery for my Ultrasounds and blood work this time. We ordered our medications which came from a mail order pharmacy and we got them overnight. We got the go ahead to start our injections for this cycle. They started me on a very low dose to see how I responded. That first injection was a little scary but Daniel was a trooper and it really made him feel involved to be able to do that. After about 5 days of injections I went back for and ultrasound and blood work and my medicine was increased because I wasn’t responding yet. (we had to monitor the amount of medicine we had left so that we could order more ahead of time and pray we received it in time). A follicle is not considered mature until it reaches 18mm in size. Once it reaches that size you are given a trigger shot which is HCG (the pregnancy hormone) which makes you ovulate within 36-48 hours. Well I had to stim (give injections) for 21 days and I was going to get an ultrasound and blood work every other day, sometimes everyday. The injections got painful after a while and my stomach started to bruise. Now we were told that these injections gave us a very real chance of having multiple babies since they usually cause multiple eggs to mature and release so we were very excited that our chances were increasing however this first cycle only yielded one mature follicle at 20mm. We triggered and I did ovulate but we did not get pregnant that cycle. I did however start my next cycle on my own again. This was to be our last cycle of trying on our own with injections and the next step would be IUI. (Injections and IUI is what Jon and Kate on Jon and Kate Plus eight did and she too has PCOS so we were a little worried but soooo excited) This cycle my injection dosages were increased quite a bit and I started to respond really well. At one point my monitoring day landed on a Saturday again so we had to go to Mobile very early. The actual doctor did my ultrasound this time and said everything looked great and that they were going to have to be very careful because he has seen people whose ultrasounds looked like mine have quadruplets. This made us really excited because we just knew our chances would be good. I only had to do 12 days of injections this time and I had 4 possibly 5 mature follicles that would release. I triggered and did ovulate and this is the time that worked. I took probably 12 pregnancy tests in all because I could not believe it. I even called the 1-800 number on the box to make sure it was positive and I finally got a digital one that said pregnant.

We were absolutely ecstatic. We went to my parents and grandparents houses to tell them and I called Carol Leah and told her and we decided not to tell anyone else until Christmas. Well my HCG levels came back kind of high which is indicative of multiples so I was sent for an early ultrasound at 6 weeks 2 days. It was amazing…we saw and heard the heartbeat and things were going so well.

So well in fact that my doctor released me 6 weeks early to my OBGYN because he said there was no need to stay with him that everything looked excellent. We ended up having to tell everyone that week because I had already started to show and I wasn’t able to hide it anymore. I had my first prenatal visit at 7 weeks 2days and was set up for my next appt. on the 2nd of January. Every thing seemed to be going great. I was very sick with morning sickness, extremely tired and I was showing more and more but no weight gain. No signs that anything was wrong. No bleeding, no cramping, not anything. We were pretty excited to go to this twelve week appt. and get an ultrasound to see how things were progressing. We never even imagined how things would turn out. Our world was shattered that day.So now on top of grieving for our precious baby we have to start back with the needle prodding, time consuming, emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive. I hope you understand a little more why it has hit us so hard and why we are struggling to find strength to go about our daily lives. I could never put into words completely what we have gone through and just how painful it has been but I wanted everyone to know a little of what it has been like over the last few years for us. Through it all we have grown closer to God and to each other but it doesn’t make the pain any less real. Today is the first day since Friday that I have even been able to talk about it other than with Daniel. I haven’t spoken with anyone on the phone, no visitors other than my parents and Carol Leah and Daniels mom popped in and out. I just can’t face people right now; it makes the pain to real. I don’t know when I will be ready to face everyone. Only time will tell. Daniel is taking it really hard also. He tries to be brave for me but he is hurting so much and it pains me to see my strong brave husband so broken and hurt. One last note. Some people may find this weird but it has helped us cope. I was sure from day one that we were having a little boy and so was Daniel and I believe with all my heart and soul that we were right. I just had a feeling. And that feeling is even stronger now. And while the doctors were not able to tell the sex just yet we decided that we would not be able to name our next child the name we had picked out for him and that we would always refer to our first baby boy as Zachary. It is comforting to know that our precious little Zachary is safe in Heaven and that I will see him one day. We had planned on getting a build a bear when we found out what we were having so my parents got us one with and Auburn shirt on and also a baby blue angel figurine with the name Zachary on it. Those two things along with a framed ultrasound picture will be displayed in our next baby’s room because Zachary will never be forgotten and he will always hold a special place in our hearts. I know this note was long and it was extremely painful for me to write but I write it asking for your prayers and support. We didn’t tell a lot of people the first go around because for some strange reason we were embarrassed for what we were going through and I know for me it made me feel like I was less of a woman than others which I realize now is silly since I now know of a lot of people who have gone through some form of fertility treatment even if not to the extent we have. This time I know we can’t do it on our own. This horrible reality that we are dealing with right now really has no words to describe it but I do know that with God and friends and family we will make it through this and though a piece of our hearts will always be missing, we will be able to put the other pieces back together. And through prayer and support from all of you we will be able to get back on the Trying to Conceive track and hopefully have a successful pregnancy outcome. To all of you who have emailed me or talked to Daniel on the phone I want to thank you for letting us know that so many people love and care for us. I don’t know when I will have the strength to talk to each of you individually but please know we appreciate all the prayers and concern.

This was the last picture taken of me before we found out we had lost Zachary. This was taken the night before.